How to Start the Conversation
Where to start..
We all know that it is human nature to want to stay as independent as possible when one ages. There comes a time when the responsibilities of caring for a senior aggregate to the point that it’s difficult for families or a loved one to manage. A better solution is needed and it’s just a matter of maintaining dignity, freedom, and self-determination. When the time does come for an older adult to need daily living assistance, understanding the type of care your parents want and what options are available is an important conversation to have. It can be difficult sometimes to have a conversation about in-home care with an elderly or sick loved one due to feeling anxious about raising the subject, anticipating that it may be met with resistance, or stir up different emotions. However sensitive this discussion may be, as a senior’s wellbeing becomes more of a concern and harder to ensure without help quickly leading to a necessity. With the price tag of senior housing cumbersome for many Americans, it is critical to get organized about how you and your family plan to care for an aging loved one. Many people find that they are uninformed about their options — and unprepared for the crisis they are facing. Therefore, it is why we recommend making a plan. Those who would benefit from in-home care services often wait to arrange for services after an emergency or incident occurs resulting in adult children scrambling to find care and resources for their parents because they never had the proactive conversation with their parents about their wishes. It is highly important for families to know and understand the wishes of the loved one who will receive in-home care. If not an emergency, it could also be families have recognized a change and are researching the options for a loved one to receive in-home care in the upcoming future. A plan of action whether you end up using it or not is a good strategy to have.
It is also important for you to think about and discuss the roles that other family members will take on. We recommend having a discussion with family members who will be taking an active role in the care process. Some may be able to supply financial support, but not hands-on support due to distance, family commitments or other issues. Some may be available to give a break when needed. Most of us do not like to consider the fact that our parents or loved one is aging and will need care in their older adulthood. However, they will and nothing will change that fact. With this in mind, it is to everyone’s advantage to discuss these types of details at as early a stage as possible. Understand how they view their own independence, what their lifestyle preferences are and what their wishes would be down the road. Remember the end result is for the loved one to have a decision that benefits their life as well as your own. Knowing that they are safe and receiving the help, companionship, and care that they need, can be a great comfort to all.
If you are considering home assistance for your elderly or disabled loved one, feel free to contact us for more information about the services we provide. We want to help you understand the aspects of in-home care and feel prepared to answer your loved one’s questions, as you make this decision together. One main aspect of in-home care is the ability to allow family members to keep their respective roles. If you are the child of aging parents who has been juggling between caring for parents and family, your role has changed. You are most likely feeling more like a parent and your parents have become more like your children. No matter what the roles of family members are, it is important to have an agreement of what is expected of each family member to ensure your loved one’s best interests are being met. Sweet In-Home Care acts to become an extension of your family allowing your roles to remain the same. With in home care it is also a great way to prevent unnecessary family incidents. Fortunately, the aspects of in-home care offer many benefits to all involved in the decision. A loved one can find it very comforting and assuring to hear of staying in the familiar surroundings of home. They can also feel relieved to know that aspects like transportation assistance will help them maintain the independence that they love in life. At Sweet In-Home Care, we want to help make the conversation easier for you and your loved one. Follow the steps we have laid out to create an easier and better atmosphere to keep the conversation positive and caring.
Tips To Having The Home Care Talk
Start Early
As we mentioned previously, if it is possible try talking to your aging loved one early on, when their state of health offers the opportunity for clear communication and an understanding of their needs, wants, and input. Especially in cases such as Alzheimer’s and dementia, discussing this topic as soon as possible will best enable your loved one’s feelings to be expressed and for them to be an active participant in the decision making process. Those with memory loss deserve the respect to be involved but may need more time to process change. By having this discussion early, you will have established a clear direction, saving yourself a lot of stress and worry in the long run. While it may not be a fun discussion for them, they will appreciate being able to have a say in their future well being and comfort.
Time & Place
Knowing when to to have the conversation is prominent to having a successful outcome. Avoid having the discussion at an event or family celebration along with avoiding certain time periods like the holidays. Instead, choose a location that is relaxed and private setting to prevent interruptions and make certain you have their undivided attention. This can help to ease all of the parties involved, and ensure that the conversation is not rushed and that thoughts and feelings can be fully and openly expressed for better communication. It is also a good idea to have the discussion during a time of day where they are most alert. Ensure that you have enough time to devote to a long conversation about your mom's or dad's future. Don't interrupt your parent's schedule or force the conversation if the moment doesn't feel right. Just make sure that you and your parent are both in an open state of mind.
Include Others
Don’t try to take on this responsibility by yourself. The inclusion of other friends and family that are close to your loved one can help make your elderly loved one feel supported and secure. However, it’s important for this situation not to end up seeming threatening or confrontational. Make sure to have an honest and open discussion with your loved one so they feel cared about and not pressured. To help the conversation stay on a positive level, make sure all family members are on the same page ahead of time. There are varying levels of senior care, but one thing is for certain - it will cost money. Talk with the family about how it will be paid for up front, so you will avoid any awkward or tough conversations down the road when it comes time to talk about payment. Additionally, choose a close family member to lead the discussion so that everyone is not expressing their ideas all at the same time. This person should be comfortable organizing and guiding the conversation. Give everyone in your family a chance to voice their concerns, offer their own help and support, and reach an agreeable solution. Show your loved one that your whole family is on their side and has their best interests at heart and explain to them that you want to help them write down their preferences to assure they are followed.
Conversation Intro
If you are having a one-on-one conversation with your loved one, pay attention to opportunities that will allow the subject of home care to flow naturally. Talk about difficulties with activities of daily living such as bathing, driving or managing finances. Take your time since the conversation does not need to be rushed and make sure you have eye contact and are close enough to be heard well. For example, if a neighbor or friend has recently obtained a home caregiver, ask how your loved one would like to have someone to help with light cleaning and meal preparation. Let them know that they have a voice when it comes this matter concerning them. It’s perfectly alright to have this conversation in a series of small talks, rather than one long one. For some seniors, this approach will better suit their personality and give them a chance to grow used to the idea. Bringing in a home health aide will usually be met with hesitation to the parent at first. It is a declaration of incapacity and confronting the fact that one cannot manage on one’s own. This is an all new situation and may be too hard to swallow in one gulp, so to speak.
We understand the wariness that some may feel when it comes to in home care and have had clients that did the one shift a week to begin with to familiarize themselves before moving to more shifts as needed. In other words, encourage your parent to accept it by making it optional. Hopefully, they do realize they need extra help and end up liking it. It is just fine to begin small to test the waters since this is a gradual process. Another way to put your loved one at ease during this tough process is to provide them with several options. If you share a few options and do a simple breakdown of the pros and cons of each, seniors will be more likely to feel like they’re in control of what is happening. For some, however, while the idea of in home care sound great the actuality of it might not work out or be best for the loved one.
Prep & Think of the Future
Do your research on different care options before the discussion by making a list of potential senior housing communities, or acquiring information about potential caregivers. Write down any questions you have or topics you want to be sure to address. Encourage other family members to do the same thing as well. Getting educated and formulating a plan will help ease a challenging transition for any family. Throughout the process, continue to reiterate that the best interest of your family and your loved one is the ultimate priority. There is a wide range of senior living options available that will support a range of health care needs and a high quality of life, including independent living, home care, assisted living and Alzheimer’s care. You can start with the web, or your local aging office. A next step might also be a physician appointment for a physical assessment. This keeps the conversation going and provides additional information for consideration. If you are finding it hard to start the conversation, you can bring up your own plans for the future and retirement. This can get the discussion headed towards the topic of senior care and able your loved one to share their own wishes. It may also get you talking about issues such as wills and other important legal documents, to best make sure they have everything in order.
Maintain Compassion, Respect, & Understanding
Throughout the conversation be sure to maintain compassion, keep the conversation positive, respect, and understanding. It can be especially difficult for an elderly loved one to have if they feel that it has reversed the roles of parent and child, and has left them feeling like they do not have a voice or control over their decisions. Try to put yourself in their shoes to have a better idea of what they are experiencing, and listen carefully to what they are saying. Understand that resistance to in-home care commonly stems from a place of fear rather than anger. The fear of losing their independence and having a stranger in the home can cause an aging loved to initially reject or respond negatively to the idea. Ask specific questions and never make them feel forced into a decision or sense that you are taking away their independence. Listen to understand their wishes and do your best to fully ensure that their needs are met. Focus on the fact that caregiver assistance is available to help the senior remain independent as they are safely escorted to various errands, doctor’s visits, and social events. If they are still hesitant consider talking about someone who has made the choice to accept home care. Tell their story if you have someone and it would be even better if that person could share it with your parent. If they are still resisting perhaps involve a third party if your parents are not open to the discussion. They may be open to another respected advisor.
Learn About Your Options
During your discussions, you may feel the need to speak with a financial planner or attorney. These meetings are very common and are great steps to take to ensure that all matters are taken care of with your loved one. Ask about the important documents. Find out where wills, trust documents, banking and investment records, insurance and living wills are located. Discuss power of attorney so that your parents are aware that you want to be prepared to help them when needed along with life-saving or life-sustaining measures they would want taken — or not taken — if their health dramatically changed. Continue to work together with your family and share what you’re feeling. For starters, finding out what someone can afford and/or if they have a Long-Term Care Insurance Policy can be uncomfortable for the adult children to inquire with parents about. When is a good time to have this type of conversation with your parents? If your parents have already retired, a good methodology to start the conversation is to perhaps make it about yourself by sharing with your parents your plans that you are putting into action such as creating and reviewing your living will, advanced directives, the power of attorney if you are unable to make your own decisions, and perhaps when you plan to sit down with your own children to review these aspects. A book that has been recommended is “The Parent Care Conversation,” by Dan Taylor. This book has more information about planning how parent(s) wants to be cared for. It covers legal work and details as well.
A small note for seniors: If you are realizing that you may need some extra help in the future, don’t wait for your children to start the conversation. Your children and other loved ones may be denying the fact that you are getting older and postponing the discussion. It may be wise to talk to your doctor about what type of senior in home care services you may need and look over various care options beforehand.
This whole blog post is to help assist with the conversation, we know that it can be trying and difficult sometimes, but we just want families to be able to discuss the needs of the elderly and have a plan should it be needed. If we are able to at least help get the conversation going then we are doing what we set out to do. Please be patient with one another as this journey is race not a sprint. Keeping your parent supported is an ongoing process. It bears frequent discussion and adjustment as you work to maintain your parent’s independence and dignity with the necessary supports required. If you do choose the option to at least try in home care to start with you will need to do your research to see who is available to assist and which route is the right choice so that way you can find the best fit. Each person will be different and it may take time to find the right caregiver. As we mentioned previously, in home care might not be viable for all. There are other options for families such as assisted living, which may be a better fit for some. Be sure to look at all of your options that are available to you. In an upcoming post “What are the Senior Options?” we discuss what options are available for seniors to choose from and assist in helping to find the best option for you. So be sure to be on on the lookout for that. As always once you have had this conversation and assistance in the home is a viable option, please feel free to call us any time to set up a free in-home assessment.
Best Wishes,
Sweet In-Home Care